When Love Feels Heavy: How to Tell the Difference Between Devotion and Depletion

Between Devotion and Depletion

Love is everywhere in February—on greeting cards, in songs, on billboards, and in the stories we tell about relationships. We often hear that love asks us to give generously, to be patient, and to persevere through difficult times.

But sometimes, in trying to care for others, we lose sight of ourselves.

When relationships leave us consistently exhausted, uncertain, or emotionally depleted, it may be worth asking a different question: What does healthy love actually look like?

Bibliotherapy invites us to explore that question through thoughtful reading and reflection. Books cannot answer every question for us, but they can offer language, perspective, and opportunities to better understand ourselves and our relationships.

This reflection draws on two widely read books that encourage us to think differently about love, boundaries, and emotional wellbeing: All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks and Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

Love Is More Than a Feeling

In All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks invites readers to reconsider many of the cultural messages we receive about love.

Rather than describing love as simply an emotion, she presents it as an intentional practice grounded in care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Her work encourages readers to reflect on how love is expressed through everyday actions rather than romantic ideals alone.

Many Goodreads reviewers describe the book as thought-provoking because it challenges familiar assumptions about relationships, family, friendship, and self-love. A recurring theme among readers is that love is something we actively practice through our choices and actions.

When Caring Becomes Exhaustion

Giving generously can be a beautiful expression of love.

Yet healthy relationships also require balance.

When one person’s needs consistently outweigh another’s, or when saying “yes” always comes at the expense of our own wellbeing, relationships can begin to feel emotionally draining rather than restorative.

Recognising this difference is not about assigning blame.

It is about paying attention to how our relationships affect our emotional health and whether there is room for mutual care, respect, and understanding.

The Role of Healthy Boundaries

In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explores how healthy boundaries support respectful and sustainable relationships.

Rather than creating distance, boundaries can help clarify expectations, encourage honest communication, and make space for everyone’s needs to be acknowledged.

Many Goodreads reviewers appreciate the book for its practical guidance and relatable examples. Readers often describe feeling more confident expressing their needs and recognising that healthy boundaries can strengthen, rather than weaken, meaningful relationships.

Together, these books remind us that love and boundaries are not opposing ideas—they often work hand in hand.

Reflection Creates Awareness

Bibliotherapy encourages us to slow down and reflect on the stories we tell ourselves about love.

Sometimes we discover beliefs we learned long ago.

Sometimes we notice patterns we had not recognised before.

Reading gives us permission to pause, ask thoughtful questions, and approach our experiences with greater curiosity rather than judgement.

That quiet reflection can become the beginning of meaningful change.

A Reflection for the Week

As you move through this week, you might consider:

When do I feel most supported in my relationships?

How do I know when I need to communicate a boundary?

What does a relationship that restores rather than depletes look like to me?

There is no need to answer immediately.

Some questions are worth returning to over time.

Closing Thoughts

Healthy love is not measured by how much we sacrifice.

It grows through mutual care, respect, honesty, and understanding.

Reading may not resolve every uncertainty, but it can help us reflect more deeply on the relationships that shape our lives and the ways we care for ourselves and others.

Sometimes, the first step toward healing is recognising that love can be both compassionate and sustainable.

Disclaimer:

Bibliotherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, medication, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Bibliotherapy is not authorised to make recommendations about medication or serve as a substitute for professional advice. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice or delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read in bibliotherapy